Friday, March 14, 2014

Getting Back to Baseline

Ugh, things are so much easier in theory than in practice. I was with Pete last night (that is how I shall refer to him from now on). I surprised him by going to his place while he was at work and cleaning. I was in his bed waiting for him when he got home. He was really happy I was there, and things were great. Until he started talking about work. Hearing him talk about the kids and other stuff sort of triggered me. The fact the today and tomorrow are my least favorite days of the year didn't help either. I tried to hide the fact I was upset, but Pete said, "You're getting emotional and I know why and it's okay."After he said that, I couldn't hold it in anymore. I started bawling, and telling him how it was hard not to get jealous. He was understanding, and comforted me.

After a while, he had to go in the living room to re-wind down. I got worried that I upset him, but he told me he loves when he comes in and I'm sleepy. I know that it's normal to want to take a breather after someone is super intense and emotional, but my brain wants to beat me up. The rest of the night was fine, and we fell asleep and cuddled.

The next morning I woke up really said and anxious and worried. I apologized again, and basically couldn't get my brain to stop telling me I'd fucked up. "Great, he's never going to want to be with you. You just messed it up," it told me. Now for every time he doesn't text me back I have to send another, then I send one apologizing for the one I just sent. Then I freak cause he's not responding or his responses seem "short."

I'm trying not to panic. I'm trying not to think that because of this he's going to decide that he doesn't want to be with me. I know he's at work, but I just picture him getting more and more annoyed and upset and thinking, "fuck this, I can't handle her." Everything is catastrophe for me. Now I'm worrying and fretting, and struggling to get back to base line.

I'm trying to hold on to the positive. I'm trying to tell myself he's probably just busy at work. I'm trying to tell myself that unlike me he's probably not dwelling on it. I'm trying to tell myself that I wouldn't want to be with someone who expects me to be perfect all the time.

I'm trying, but it's so fucking hard.

No comments:

Post a Comment