Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Forever Alone?

I have a crippling fear of rejection, abandonment, and being alone.

Every time I get into a relationship I always fall really fast, and after a couple of weeks I'm acting as if I've been in a two year relationship. After my last bf broke up with me (for about the same reasons everyone else does, I'm too intense and draining) I swore that I wouldn't date until I was okay being alone even when I was in a relationship.

Fast forward to about two months ago. I started dating this guy and I promised I'd go at his pace. Things were fine for a while, but I got impatient (as I always do). I kept trying to force the relationship. "We've been monogamous for a month! Why won't you call me your GF?" This was after he told me that he's slow, and there was a lot of stuff he was still trying to figure out.

There were a couple of times he tried to "run" because he didn't feel like he was ready for a relationship. But I cried, and begged, and pleaded. I did "touch" him along the way and he decided to stay.

But, I wasn't okay being alone. If he cancelled plans on me or didn't want to go out I'd flip out, get upset, and refuse to go out on my own. I missed something I was really looking forward to because he didn't want to go. I just felt like, what's the point in going alone?

I worry, I analyze everything he said, and I got super intense. Yesterday he told me that he can't have something romantic with me anymore. He's just not ready, he has too much he needs to figure out, and he's not ready to be someone's foundation.

Of course I freaked and pleaded with him not too. But, I eventually accepted it.

Now, here's the thing. We talked, and because I have a hard time with rejection and people completely leaving my life we agreed to make a day where the two of us could hang out, cuddle, maybe have sex. No strings attached, I'm not going to sit around and wait for him. If someone comes along that I like then I will take the opportunity. Right now I just need physical closeness with someone.

He says he still has feelings for me, he says he wants to move away this year, he says if things go well we can try again in the future.

So, now, this is my chance to do things right. This is my chance to not constantly ask him what his future plans are, if he likes me, if he's over her, if we can date again. It's my chance to just take things slow and let them develop naturally. Whether that's a relationship or friendship. This is my chance to not constantly ask, "what did you mean by that?" or pick apart everything he says. Just because he says something now, it doesn't mean he'll mean it 6 months from now. Plus, a lot of the time when I force someone to explain something, I end up getting hurt.

This is my chance to just relax, chill, and let nature take it's course. People make plans, change plans, etc. If it's meant to be it will be. If he moves away, well all my best friends are miles, hours, even time zones away and I feel like they are nearby. This is my chance to not constantly worry about the future. To be in the moment.

I'm scared though. I'm bad at it. I'm always worry about what may or may not be.  I'm already preparing myself for him moving to another country or something, and he doesn't even have plans.

This is my chance to be his friend, to show him I can not be intense and draining. It's my chance to be the opposite of how I usually am. It's my chance to give him space, not text him and not worry that if I don't text him 40 times a day he's suddenly going to stop talking to me.

The hardest part is the night. I'll wake up screaming, shaking, crying, breathing heavy and I'm inconsolable. I'll sit up with a feeling of dread, pain, misery that is so crushing I just want it to stop. It makes me scared to go to sleep.

I need to do this right. I need to not worry about the future, but focus on the moment.

I want to text him right now. But I'll be seeing him tomorrow, and I'm trying to be opposite. It will be hard, but I can do it.

Oh, did I mention I am an empath? Ya, that makes things so much more fun!

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