Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Dark Thoughts [TW-Suicide]

Meh. I'm in a down mood right now. I know when I'm like this I should probably avoid people since I'm bound to take everything the wrong way. I am just feeling kind of, "meh" right now and I'm not sure why.

I went to get an IUD put in, but I was told I had to wait (I don't want to discuss why here). I was all set to make my appointment when the doctor told me that one of the side effects was weight gain. I got really upset because I was told by my PCP that was not a side effect (in fact I was told by her and another person at Planned Parenthood that it Mirena IUD had little to no side effects). I'm not going to lie, while they have improved a lot, I still have terrible body image issues. I have come out and said that I would rather be dead than fat. I hate that people accuse me of body shaming for this. I am talking about myself. Just because I am terrified of gaining weight does not mean I am saying that anyone who is heavy is gross or whatever. I am terrified because I've been thin my whole life, and sometimes (though I'm working on it) I feel it's all I have to offer. I know that if I gained noticeable weight the smirks would happen, the teasing, the whispers behind my back, the "look who's fat now" comments. I'd be endlessly defending myself saying things like, "No! I'm not a lazy bum. I used to be thin...see!" I can't deal with that. I won't deal with that. Don't even tell me people wouldn't do that. My own Mother has made judgement about people's weight. I can't even talk about it for a long period of time because just thinking about people's comments (and there would be comments, cause that's just how people are) is enough to make me want to scream and punch things. I can't deal with it, I can't even risk it. I know it's a horrible way to think, but trust me when I say it used to be a lot worse.

I decided to go ahead and do it anyway. The weight gain side effect seems to be a small percentage, and people who have one that I've spoken to have said they didn't experience that side effect. Of course it also depends on what causes the weight gain. Is it because it increases appetite? Okay, then I'd just watch what I eat and work out (something I already do). Or does it cause weight gain no matter what you do?

I talked to my Mom. She says I have my Father's genes and my metabolism has always been good. She told me not to worry because if I haven't gained weight my whole life, then I probably won't. Again, her side of the family has the "weight gain genes" and I'm more my Dad's side. I guess I'll do it. I'm just nervous. Nervous about what I might do if I gain weight. Will I rip it out? Become suicidal? Get really depressed? I mean, I guess my Mom makes a good point. I've been on different meds and I've never gained weight. I have a good metabolism and I'm active.

In other areas, I have had two really promising job interviews. The problem is, I still can't seem to get excited about them. I'm still having a really hard time dealing with losing my job. I'm going to be talking to someone about it soon. I guess just to get off what's on my mind. I am having a hard time getting excited about a new job. I will for a bit, then I'll think of the ES kids and just get sort of depressed about it.

Maybe once I start working it will change. I just miss those kids so much.

I did get approved for fuel assistance, which means I can use some rent money towards gas. This is good since I will need it to get back and forth to a new job once I have one. Still waiting on unemployment and foodstamps.

I'm just really down right now. I'm irritable and paranoid (why isn't he texting me back?! Kind of paranoid). Hopefully things will get better.

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