Friday, March 7, 2014

A Second Chance?

I like labels in relationships. Part of this is because of my black and white thinking. I need things clearly defined or else the aren't real to me, and thus not as concrete. For example, while I was dating Pete we were monogamous, but had not put the bf/gf label on it. I couldn't see the grey area. It was like without that label, despite everything else, it wasn't "real". It's all or nothing in my head, especially when it comes to relationships.

Part of the reason he broke up with me is because I got super intense,super quickly. After I my last relationship ended a year ago, one of my goals was to be okay being alone even in a relationship, and I failed myself. I got super clingy, I cancelled plans if he didn't want to go out, I freaked out if he wanted alone time. He was just not ready for that intense of a relationship, but I know he still has feelings for me.

After some tough honesty I texted him the following, "would you be willing to date me if we took things SUPER slow: We would be monogamous, but see each other once or twice a week (as opposed to the 4-5 I'd been seeing him), no labels, no putting it on fb (thought I'll probably want to just to signify to people I am monogamous). I do my own thing and go out on my own. Maybe you come out with me once a month (or whatever, mostly to get you out of the house). No bringing up labels, no forcing.....just when you're ready. I know you aren't happy if I date someone else and I'd rather go at a snails pace with you, like I should have, than be in someone else's arms and I feel like you don't want me in anyone else's arms but yours."

He replied and told me we could talk about it Wednesday (when we'll see each other next).

Now, here's the thing. That is the opposite of how I usually am, but I am trying to be opposite from, well, what has never worked for me. However, I've trained my brain to think  that the way I've always been is going to work despite the fact that at 31 I haven't been in a relationship past six months. It's in my nature to force, push, worry, want the future predicted, want someone to make future plans. I am not used to, "taking it slow." I am afraid that there is some sort of time restraint, like if I don't rush into a relationship it will "expire". I believe if I don't rush, then I'll lose something. However, in reality I know that rushing usually isn't good for a relationship. Rationally I know that taking things slow, especially with someone who is scared about being in a relationship, has a better chance of things lasting. Not only that, but it could mean I not get attached so intensely and so quickly.

This is new and scary for me. I don't know what the outcome of Wednesdays discussion will be, he may just decide to be platonic friends. So now, this is the other thing I need to watch. I need to make sure I don't obsess over something happening five days from now (see my previous posts as to why I do this and why it's a bad idea).

As I said my proposal (lol) is the total opposite of how I usually am, so it feels strange. It feels like it won't work, like it's not suppose to be this way. But, just like an alcoholic who truly believes they need booze to survive, I know it's just my borderline brain tricking me and telling me lies. I know it's hard to  battle your own brain, but looking at my history the way I've always been has never ever worked. Maybe trying the opposite way won't work either, but there's probably a better chance and I will never know if I don't try.

I am going to do my best not to fixate on Wednesday or the future if he decides to date me again. Getting it all out here helps. If I do start dwelling I know what to do.

Plus, usually if I distract from my thoughts I end up forgetting what I was worrying about. I just need to keep doing it until it becomes second nature.

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