Tuesday, May 13, 2014

A Journey Back: 1993-2000 (age 10-17)

I've pretty much kept every diary I've ever had. Last weekend while at my Mom's I decided to take them home (I have stuff in storage there). Over the past couple of days I've been going through them, starting with my first one in 1993 (when I was 10). Reading these has really put a lot of things in perspective for me. I won't bore you with every single entry that caught my eye, but rather the details.
  • From a young age I had inappropriate attachments to older men. Teachers, family members (I had a crush on my cousin, step brother, and step uncle...WTAF?), counselors at the YMCA. In high school I said some things a 15 and 16 year old shouldn't be saying to her male teachers. Or writing about!
  • I had attachment issues. I apparently once told a teacher I hated her because she wouldn't let me come over her house for dinner.
  • In high school I was obsessed with several different boys. I'd be really inappropriate, stalk them (in school and online), and I was convinced that I was always "really in love this time." Because of this I was called a stalker, whore, sick bitch told to stay away, called a psycho bitch, reported for harassment, and one object of my affection told his friends to "get that girl away from me."
  • I had guys date me out of pity. I dated several guys in HS. None of them lasted more than a month. I always got super attached super fast.
  • At one point in high school I was told by a teacher that no one would care if I died.
  • Kids harassed me, threatened to beat me up.
  • I was called a "psycho bitch" by a teacher in high school
  • I started therapy when I was 14
  • I was street harassed by an older man when I was 17
  • I was made fun of by teachers, family, and friends for being "too sensitive".
  • My "friends" in high school were constantly back stabbing me, lying to me, leaving me out, and pretending to like me.
  • Junior year I was paid to help someone cheat on a final assignment, and was caught
  • I've had at least two of my friend's Mom's tell them to stay away from me. One said I was trouble and one thought I was bulimic.
  • I was constantly being screamed at by my Mother. Because of this I lied to her a lot (I was scared of being yelled at).
  • I always felt like my Mom favored my sister.
  • When I was 17 I was talked into doing sexual things with a boy related to my Aunt's (through marriage) family. So, not related to me.
  • I was very very angry as a young teen. There are many entries saying I hope my mother dies. I also used a LOT of sexist and racist slurs (calling people fags, gay, queer, sluts, etc).
  • In 1998 my Mom had to call the police on this girl Melissa Larson who had been bullying me. She started calling the house and harassing me.
  • I was 15 the first time I was suicidal.
I think I pretty much wrote the autobiography of a BPD kid. I also realize now why yelling is a big trigger for me. Because my Mom always yelled at me (as well as called me named).

It's hard to read some of these, but it's also insightful.

Now here is the really interesting thing. I didn't write much about the abuse from my step mom (it did happen, several people have confirmed it. So, it's not something I made up.) I wonder if it was me not wanting to remember it? I mean, unless it's in some the entries I couldn't read (damn cursive, lol).

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